If at first your missile fails...

Peasants and wowshipews of my gweatness,

Twembwe! I, youw new gweat leadew and teachew, am vewy angwy. My wocket no fwy! It go boom and faw apawt. Tis makes my cheeks vewy puffy! I want my wocket to fwy faw faw and go kablooey on Obama. But I’m suwwounded by mowons! No one do anyting wight.

Wast night I owdewed a human pywamid to be buiwt fwom fifty schoow chiwdwen, but it kept fawing down. The chiwdwen wew wimps and cwied and cwied when they bwoke theiw siwwy bones. I towd tem, stop youw snivewing you wittw cowads, and be wike youw weadew. Feawess and aw powewfuw. And stop being so skinny, it make me sick.

Ten today my wocket bwoke. I had aw the people who buiwt it shot. It make me feew a wittw bettew. But now I want anothew wocket. So I owdewed fifty peasants to become wocket scientists by tomowwow.

Now I must go have new unifowm made. Today I make mysewf twewve sta genewaw! I wiw need new unifowm fow tomowwow when the peasants make my wocket. If tey faiw I wiw have tem shot too. Tat wiw be fun.

And if I don’t wike my unifowm, I have guy who make it have sex wit monkey and eat pound of uwanium. Ten I send him to sou kowea and tew him to bwow himsewf up. Ooh, tewe is so much to wook fowad to!

may youw man sticks aways wise,

Kimmy Jr.

I'm the Victim

Dear United Nations Security Council,

I write to you in a state of deep emotional turmoil and distress. Unspeakable things have occurred here in my beloved Syria, and my fingers barely find the strength to type on my iPad 3 (incidentally, it is a truly magical device!).

My email account has been hacked!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Security Council, I think we can all agree that this is a most heinous and vicious crime. It is difficult to describe the shock, the humiliation, the dismay this has caused me. My personal emails, my most intimate thoughts and exchanges have been rifled through by strangers. It is a personal violation of the basest sort, and it cannot go unanswered. The international community must not stay silent. A man’s email is sacred, and the identity thief and hacker is better only than the violator of the dead and the fornicator of animals.

Shame! Oh, shame! How will I ever be able to send instructions to my network of trusted henchmen and lackeys without wondering if they might not be exposed to prying and judging eyes? How will I be able to keep tabs on my secret police who are keeping tabs on my troublesome and silly subjects? How will I send amusing youtube videos to my friends without a pall of doubt being cast on their hilarious contents? How, at long last, will I be able to order my Apple products and Russian military equipment?

And speaking of which, I must say I am grievously disappointed by the negative tone that our Russian friends have taken of late. Who will be left to buy their missiles if I go, I’d like to know? The Iranians are rolling their own these days, the North Koreans too. Iraq has got enough Yankee military junk to last them another decade. Africa? Please. Everyone has seen Kony 2012, and even if that crazy religious fellow did touch himself in public, no one wants that kind of publicity.

I would also like to add that I am deeply hurt by the so-called sanctions and travel bans imposed on me by the governments of the European Union and the USA. It seems grossly unjust that no effort has been made to hunt down the criminals who unlawfully perused my private correspondence, while I am unable to attend the Cannes film festival and the Milan fashion week. My dear wife is devastated that she will be unable to order another $20 thousand worth of candlesticks from Paris. This is especially unfortunate since we have been experiencing occasional blackouts in the capital due to terrorist activity, and there is a particularly acute need for candlesticks as a result.

It goes without saying that these sanctions and bans are an utter travesty and injustice. Have I not promised reforms, constitutions, rights, elections, some more rights, and other such folderol and fiddlefaddle to all and sundry? It is frankly insulting that I am not taken at my word. Or words. My word is my bond. And my bond is my surety. And my surety is my confidence. And my confidence is unshakeable. Ergo, you can trust me! I have promised that we will stop shooting, shelling, torturing and disappearing people and withdraw the military from populated areas, and we will do so, just as soon as all the terrorists have been found and made to face justice. By which I mean, indefinite detention without trial or external communication. This we learned from you, USA! Many thanks. We’ll have to work rather quickly on account of the April 10 deadline, but I am optimistic that we can achieve, and even over-achieve, our goal of total terrorist elimination by then.

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the security council, I hope that you will use the powers which have been granted you by the international community to right the wrongs that have been done, and leave no stone unturned in your pursuit of the perpetrators. I also ask that my Apple account be promptly reinstated, as I am most keen to feast my ears on the new Black Eyed Peas and Katie Perry albums.

yours humbly and sincerely,

Bashy

Crazy Naked Man Lies

Dear People of the World,

I may not be a dictator per se, but my generous colleagues at Dictators R Us have welcomed me as an honorary member, and encouraged me to make a statement.

I have recently discovered that I have been made famous by means of something called social media. Now, where I am from, social media is womens gossiping by the water well. But never mind that. What I want to say is, humbug to all this propaganda being spread about me. First of all, my operations are no longer in Uganda, but elsewhere entirely. So where were the fact checkers on that one, I ask you? Secondly, things are not so black and white -- if you will excuse the pun -- as they are made out to be. Oh, no. They are quite complicated. Yes, indeed. Very complicated. It would be too difficult to explain it all to you here, that is how complicated they are. And owing to this complexity, how can anyone be certain that arresting me would really be such a good thing? Suppose I do take youngsters and give them guns and have them shoot their parents and other no good folks. How do we know they are not better off? You should see some of these parents! I am telling you. Zero child-rearing skills. Many have never been to school, and some barely wear any clothes at all. With me, their children get fine uniforms. And the best weapons training a renegade rebel leader can provide. Which, to be perfectly frank, is the most useful kind of learning you can have around these parts. And then, they learn discipline, teamwork. Plus killing and mutilation helps develop good self esteem. They come to me as boys and become men. Why, with me, they get to be all that they can be.

The girls, too, I might add. What can be more wonderful than providing happiness to the brave soldiers who go to war for me? And if a woman pleases more than one, or more than ten, then she is that much more of a patriot. The West wants to make me look bad, but it is not so simple. The Mormons in the USA marry many women. And here the women, in a manner of speaking, marry many men. In this way, there is a greater equality of the sexes.

And just think what all these troublesome kids would be up to if I did not grab them? Drinking Coca-cola and watching Disney movies and fondling each other in the bushes. What kind of a life is that? I say, give them the rigour of military training, let them learn what’s what.

In conclusion, I want to say to you, don’t believe everything you hear (or see). Don’t let yourself be manipulated by these social media provocateurs. They pass themselves off as such goody-two-shoes and then they go and masturbate in public. Now, in Africa, we’re no strangers to public nudity, but we have more decency than that. So the real story here isn’t Kony and thirty thousand brutalized children. It’s a crazy naked white man who had a dream. 

yours most sincerely,

The Kon Man

V is for Vova

Comrades, I have no words. I am speechless. All I have are these tears of joy and gratitude. To think that 65% of you who voted yesterday picked my name on the ballot, instead of the three or four other names which you did not know, fills me with elation. You have loudly reaffirmed what I have been telling you these past twelve years: I am indispensable. For truly, comrades, where would you be without me? Why, on the stormy seas of democracy. Without certainty, without stability, at the mercy of swindling politicians and entitled elites. To envision such a future brings tears back to my eyes. 

Comrades, how I feared for you. How I dreaded that the irresponsible, disaffected members of our society, egged on by foreign agents and funded by American dollars, would hoodwink you into destroying the great Russian state. For make no mistake, that is what these hooligan, not to say traitorous, elements are seeking to do. In attacking me, they attack Russia itself. For without me, our nation would founder. Think how you lived before I came along. I have raised you up out of the terror and misery of your democratic dreams. I have saved you from yourselves.

I would like to extend special thanks to those of you who did not spare yourselves, but rode the bus from polling station to polling station, adding your name to every ballot box you could get to. Also, those of you in management, who encouraged, cajoled, or otherwise persuaded your subordinates that it was their duty as Russians, and your employees, to vote for me, I applaud you. You have done a valuable service to the motherland and it shall not be forgotten. 

Nor, I might add, will the 35% of you who voted erroneously be forgotten. I can promise each and every one of you, that the state, which cares deeply about your political actions and concerns, will make every effort to investigate the reasons for your questionable choice of candidate. Someday soon -- maybe tomorrow, or maybe six months from now -- you may receive a call and be invited to explain yourself. 

Until then, I remain tearfully your undisputed leader and fairly elected president,

Vova

Another Bold Victory!

Dear Readers,

I am with great pride telling you of another valiant victory of our military forces! Today they have foiled the enemy when they tried to penetrate our territory under the guise of Red Cross aid workers. Also, our brave fighters have taken away the stuffed animals from several small children who were undoubtedly enemy spies. Fifteen courageous military personnel lost their lives in this operation. For the small children were very feisty. Our intelligence informed us that they had received CIA training while vacationing in Lebanon. It was fortunate that several tank units were in the area, as without their assistance the tiny terrorists would surely have done much damage and brought us to the brink of civil war. 

Also, many terrorists posing as hungry old people and injured civilians have been conquered by our army commandos. The terrorists were extremely good impersonators and our soldiers almost fell for their ploy. But at the last moment they saw through their subterfuge, and triumphed. 

Several medical facilities, hotels, schools, and homes which were all being used by the armed gangs who want to destabilize our otherwise brilliantly stable nation were successfully destroyed by our artillery. Hurrah for our good friends in Russia for providing us with first-rate weaponry at cut-rate prices. It has truly surpassed all our expectations.

Remember friends and patriots, the enemy terrorists and their foreign sponsors will stop at nothing to undermine our glorious fatherland. That is why we must be extra vigilant, and continue to mercilessly crush and eliminate anyone whom we may suspect of posing, or thinking of posing, or having at any point contemplated considering posing, a threat to the continued peace and prosperity of our nation. 

your friend, leader, and protector

Bashy

Help Wanted (Kremlin)

Greetings, comrades. I will be honest, it not easy for me to write this. You may be surprised, but I have difficult time admitting I need help. As father of nation, I must always be strong, so that country feel secure. I cannot show fear or weakness. I am like hunter meeting bear. I cannot show bear I am afraid, or it kill me. But I am smarter than bear. I first go to East Germany and lull bear into false sense of security, then I come back when bear hibernating and knock it out with tranquilizers and then make it dance on barrel.

But still, it is hard. As father of nation, I must solve all problems, know all things. If sewer pipe bust in Vladivostok, I take wrench and go fix. If space station leaking oxygen, I do how-to youtube video so they can close hole and make new oxygen with miniature succulents. Or else I get in rocket and go and do repair myself: I plug hole with my spit and suck up all CO2 with single breath. When I breathe out it pure oxygen good for fifty rotations.

When baker make bread, I there to knead dough. When they want to make new movie, I write, direct, star, produce. If you sick, you come to clinic -- I there from 1 to 3 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- I give you prescription or I cut out bad part. Sometime it seems there just not enough hours in the day. Thats why I decide to look for assistant. Job responsibilities include inspect Kremlin guards and do musical performance every other Friday. I must save voice for G20 meeting and state address. Also, you will be responsible for take care of Kyrgyzstan. Person must be organized, self-starter, with excellent communication skills. Intelligence agency experience plus. Offering competitive compensation and free training. Send resume to vova@kremlin.ru. Looking forward to hear from you.

- Vova

Ugo's Order

I would introduce myself, but everyone in the world knows who I am. That is my big problem. I am too famous, too powerful, too handsome and sexually potent. People get jealous. They say instead of helping the poor I give away pieces of the country to my relatives. But I ask you, do my relatives deserve any less to partake of our socialist paradise than some random people I do not know? And my relatives were poor once too. Juan didn't have a pot to piss in all his life, and Xavier once got scurvy due to bad nutrition.

Still, they blame me for blackouts, inflation, corruption. But that is nonsense. If I wanted to, I could order all the inflation and the corruption to stop. And I have said many times, that if the blackouts continue I will order electricity to become more efficient and the rivers to run more vigorously through our dams. But I wanted the people to see who the real criminals are. The American imperialists. They are trying to make things bad for us so that we abandon socialism and turn this country into a land of capitalist exploitation and McDonald's. And they are trying to kill me, because I am the only one who can stop them. Just the other day I read a Tom Clancy novel where the CIA assassinated the President of Uzbekistan. What does that tell you? But imperialist dogs have bribed many people in this country with promises of condos in Los Angeles and appearances on Extreme Makeover, so that they say nasty things about me on television. So I have ordered all televisions to turn off whenever they are spreading lies about me. And to protect the minds of the people I have ordered the traitors' television stations to be shut down and for the traitors to be arrested. Some of them are now hiding out in Miami, which only proves their guilt. If you were innocent, what reason would you have to run away? And to Miami, a place where only outlaws and degenerates would choose to dwell.

But have no fear. I will order the fish of the sea to attack them and the birds of the air to swoop down and knock off their hats. I will order the alligators to gnaw off their foot and leg bones. They will have no peace in their imperialist exile. Then, after they've suffered long enough to please me, I will order their brains to explode. Viva la Revolucion!

In case you wanted to read what the imperialists are writing about me these days, you can find some amusing fabrications here: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/06/18/world/AP-LT-Venezuela-Anti-Chavez-TV.html?emc=eta1

- Ugo