Friday, June 18, 2010

Ugo's Order

I would introduce myself, but everyone in the world knows who I am. That is my big problem. I am too famous, too powerful, too handsome and sexually potent. People get jealous. They say instead of helping the poor I give away pieces of the country to my relatives. But I ask you, do my relatives deserve any less to partake of our socialist paradise than some random people I do not know? And my relatives were poor once too. Juan didn't have a pot to piss in all his life, and Xavier once got scurvy due to bad nutrition.

Still, they blame me for blackouts, inflation, corruption. But that is nonsense. If I wanted to, I could order all the inflation and the corruption to stop. And I have said many times, that if the blackouts continue I will order electricity to become more efficient and the rivers to run more vigorously through our dams. But I wanted the people to see who the real criminals are. The American imperialists. They are trying to make things bad for us so that we abandon socialism and turn this country into a land of capitalist exploitation and McDonald's. And they are trying to kill me, because I am the only one who can stop them. Just the other day I read a Tom Clancy novel where the CIA assassinated the President of Uzbekistan. What does that tell you? But imperialist dogs have bribed many people in this country with promises of condos in Los Angeles and appearances on Extreme Makeover, so that they say nasty things about me on television. So I have ordered all televisions to turn off whenever they are spreading lies about me. And to protect the minds of the people I have ordered the traitors' television stations to be shut down and for the traitors to be arrested. Some of them are now hiding out in Miami, which only proves their guilt. If you were innocent, what reason would you have to run away? And to Miami, a place where only outlaws and degenerates would choose to dwell.

But have no fear. I will order the fish of the sea to attack them and the birds of the air to swoop down and knock off their hats. I will order the alligators to gnaw off their foot and leg bones. They will have no peace in their imperialist exile. Then, after they've suffered long enough to please me, I will order their brains to explode. Viva la Revolucion!

In case you wanted to read what the imperialists are writing about me these days, you can find some amusing fabrications here:

- Ugo

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