I'm the Victim

Dear United Nations Security Council,

I write to you in a state of deep emotional turmoil and distress. Unspeakable things have occurred here in my beloved Syria, and my fingers barely find the strength to type on my iPad 3 (incidentally, it is a truly magical device!).

My email account has been hacked!

Ladies and gentlemen of the Security Council, I think we can all agree that this is a most heinous and vicious crime. It is difficult to describe the shock, the humiliation, the dismay this has caused me. My personal emails, my most intimate thoughts and exchanges have been rifled through by strangers. It is a personal violation of the basest sort, and it cannot go unanswered. The international community must not stay silent. A man’s email is sacred, and the identity thief and hacker is better only than the violator of the dead and the fornicator of animals.

Shame! Oh, shame! How will I ever be able to send instructions to my network of trusted henchmen and lackeys without wondering if they might not be exposed to prying and judging eyes? How will I be able to keep tabs on my secret police who are keeping tabs on my troublesome and silly subjects? How will I send amusing youtube videos to my friends without a pall of doubt being cast on their hilarious contents? How, at long last, will I be able to order my Apple products and Russian military equipment?

And speaking of which, I must say I am grievously disappointed by the negative tone that our Russian friends have taken of late. Who will be left to buy their missiles if I go, I’d like to know? The Iranians are rolling their own these days, the North Koreans too. Iraq has got enough Yankee military junk to last them another decade. Africa? Please. Everyone has seen Kony 2012, and even if that crazy religious fellow did touch himself in public, no one wants that kind of publicity.

I would also like to add that I am deeply hurt by the so-called sanctions and travel bans imposed on me by the governments of the European Union and the USA. It seems grossly unjust that no effort has been made to hunt down the criminals who unlawfully perused my private correspondence, while I am unable to attend the Cannes film festival and the Milan fashion week. My dear wife is devastated that she will be unable to order another $20 thousand worth of candlesticks from Paris. This is especially unfortunate since we have been experiencing occasional blackouts in the capital due to terrorist activity, and there is a particularly acute need for candlesticks as a result.

It goes without saying that these sanctions and bans are an utter travesty and injustice. Have I not promised reforms, constitutions, rights, elections, some more rights, and other such folderol and fiddlefaddle to all and sundry? It is frankly insulting that I am not taken at my word. Or words. My word is my bond. And my bond is my surety. And my surety is my confidence. And my confidence is unshakeable. Ergo, you can trust me! I have promised that we will stop shooting, shelling, torturing and disappearing people and withdraw the military from populated areas, and we will do so, just as soon as all the terrorists have been found and made to face justice. By which I mean, indefinite detention without trial or external communication. This we learned from you, USA! Many thanks. We’ll have to work rather quickly on account of the April 10 deadline, but I am optimistic that we can achieve, and even over-achieve, our goal of total terrorist elimination by then.

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the security council, I hope that you will use the powers which have been granted you by the international community to right the wrongs that have been done, and leave no stone unturned in your pursuit of the perpetrators. I also ask that my Apple account be promptly reinstated, as I am most keen to feast my ears on the new Black Eyed Peas and Katie Perry albums.

yours humbly and sincerely,

Bashy