Monday, March 5, 2012

V is for Vova

Comrades, I have no words. I am speechless. All I have are these tears of joy and gratitude. To think that 65% of you who voted yesterday picked my name on the ballot, instead of the three or four other names which you did not know, fills me with elation. You have loudly reaffirmed what I have been telling you these past twelve years: I am indispensable. For truly, comrades, where would you be without me? Why, on the stormy seas of democracy. Without certainty, without stability, at the mercy of swindling politicians and entitled elites. To envision such a future brings tears back to my eyes. 

Comrades, how I feared for you. How I dreaded that the irresponsible, disaffected members of our society, egged on by foreign agents and funded by American dollars, would hoodwink you into destroying the great Russian state. For make no mistake, that is what these hooligan, not to say traitorous, elements are seeking to do. In attacking me, they attack Russia itself. For without me, our nation would founder. Think how you lived before I came along. I have raised you up out of the terror and misery of your democratic dreams. I have saved you from yourselves.

I would like to extend special thanks to those of you who did not spare yourselves, but rode the bus from polling station to polling station, adding your name to every ballot box you could get to. Also, those of you in management, who encouraged, cajoled, or otherwise persuaded your subordinates that it was their duty as Russians, and your employees, to vote for me, I applaud you. You have done a valuable service to the motherland and it shall not be forgotten. 

Nor, I might add, will the 35% of you who voted erroneously be forgotten. I can promise each and every one of you, that the state, which cares deeply about your political actions and concerns, will make every effort to investigate the reasons for your questionable choice of candidate. Someday soon -- maybe tomorrow, or maybe six months from now -- you may receive a call and be invited to explain yourself. 

Until then, I remain tearfully your undisputed leader and fairly elected president,


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