Monday, March 19, 2012

Crazy Naked Man Lies

Dear People of the World,

I may not be a dictator per se, but my generous colleagues at Dictators R Us have welcomed me as an honorary member, and encouraged me to make a statement.

I have recently discovered that I have been made famous by means of something called social media. Now, where I am from, social media is womens gossiping by the water well. But never mind that. What I want to say is, humbug to all this propaganda being spread about me. First of all, my operations are no longer in Uganda, but elsewhere entirely. So where were the fact checkers on that one, I ask you? Secondly, things are not so black and white -- if you will excuse the pun -- as they are made out to be. Oh, no. They are quite complicated. Yes, indeed. Very complicated. It would be too difficult to explain it all to you here, that is how complicated they are. And owing to this complexity, how can anyone be certain that arresting me would really be such a good thing? Suppose I do take youngsters and give them guns and have them shoot their parents and other no good folks. How do we know they are not better off? You should see some of these parents! I am telling you. Zero child-rearing skills. Many have never been to school, and some barely wear any clothes at all. With me, their children get fine uniforms. And the best weapons training a renegade rebel leader can provide. Which, to be perfectly frank, is the most useful kind of learning you can have around these parts. And then, they learn discipline, teamwork. Plus killing and mutilation helps develop good self esteem. They come to me as boys and become men. Why, with me, they get to be all that they can be.

The girls, too, I might add. What can be more wonderful than providing happiness to the brave soldiers who go to war for me? And if a woman pleases more than one, or more than ten, then she is that much more of a patriot. The West wants to make me look bad, but it is not so simple. The Mormons in the USA marry many women. And here the women, in a manner of speaking, marry many men. In this way, there is a greater equality of the sexes.

And just think what all these troublesome kids would be up to if I did not grab them? Drinking Coca-cola and watching Disney movies and fondling each other in the bushes. What kind of a life is that? I say, give them the rigour of military training, let them learn what’s what.

In conclusion, I want to say to you, don’t believe everything you hear (or see). Don’t let yourself be manipulated by these social media provocateurs. They pass themselves off as such goody-two-shoes and then they go and masturbate in public. Now, in Africa, we’re no strangers to public nudity, but we have more decency than that. So the real story here isn’t Kony and thirty thousand brutalized children. It’s a crazy naked white man who had a dream. 

yours most sincerely,

The Kon Man

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